“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
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How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.