Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
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[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.