[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
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this or this
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.