‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
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Jogging has never helped my memory.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Me: Letās go shopping
Him: Letās stay home
Me: Letās talk about our feelings
Him: Letās go shopping
āIām just playing Powerball for fun. I donāt expect to winā.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honeyā¦you have no idea
19: āUm, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?ā
Me: āItās fine.ā
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Hereās my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about āmy clientā to gather their advice. There is no client. Itās me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Before you call me, ask yourself, āCan I text it?ā
Before you text me, ask yourself, āCan I email it?ā
Before you email me, ask yourself, āCan I just think it really, really hard?ā
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance š
If youāre going to flirt with me while Iām selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
The urology match email should start with āCongrats, Ur-ine!!ā
ā¦.Iāll see myself outā¦.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Iām guessing that while more honest and accurate āDancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Starsā just wasnāt as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
canāt imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Me checking my bank balance online.