Guys, I found it.
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That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries