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[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
12653.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
How animals would run if they were human