*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I can fix him.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.