[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
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(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.