“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
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GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
remember
only for emergencies
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
*Inspirational Tweets*
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??