me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
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No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
twitter users today:
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”