[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
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My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.