Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
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Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
When you let grandma cat sit
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”