Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
You Might Also Like
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]