I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
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So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan