My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
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I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
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sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT