Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
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assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.