Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
You Might Also Like
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.