Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
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*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Just a friendly reminder!
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body