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Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.