If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
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[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Oh no
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.