How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
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“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Erm…
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I feel attacked.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers