I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
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X-tra spooky blend
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun