#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
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Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass