ACED my prostate exam!
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*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.