[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
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My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.