@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
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*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.