It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
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I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Isn’t
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news