just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
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when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Good advice.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.