Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
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Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
American Horror Story:
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drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?