[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
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him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out