Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
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The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket