Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
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[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off