I found your tweet-up…
You Might Also Like
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?