We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
You Might Also Like
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store