Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
You Might Also Like
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.