[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
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Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters