My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
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If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators