[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
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Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
when you are just born a rebel
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist