Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
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*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
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Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Bike is short for Bichael.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.