I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
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It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
6: are snakes just neck?
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
This hospital has everything
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too