Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
You Might Also Like
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
#parenting
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Gemma Correll
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though