For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
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“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
🖤✌🏽
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan