If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
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Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
never deleting this app.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.