[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
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Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT