Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
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Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.