Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
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Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
If a snake ate a cake
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.