doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
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“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here