Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
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Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.