What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
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Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok