I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
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Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Name this drama.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Morning my dudes.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
no cat here